In these last days of my pregnancy, my energies have been drastically decreasing and forced me to lay often down in bed, even in the middle of the day, without reaching, however, some sort of comfort.
Tomorrow I am going to the hospital to deliver my third child on Wednesday.
I really feel my baby is preparing himself as well to this event and I think my belly hasn’t been a friendly place to live in, as it had been for him during the previous months.
Since about two weeks, I am confronting with an annoying feeling of tension, that I easily drop on my loved ones, children included.
I believe this state of tension comes out from knowing my body now needs new and slower rhythms.
While my mind, instinctively determined, finds it hard adapting to it.
In some moments, I doubt about finding the necessary energies to front this new challenge of another baby at home and I am facing feelings of inadequacy towards my role as a mom.
I am perfectly aware that my personal path as a mother, a path that began more than 7 years ago, has been changing me completely and has been opening extremely wide horizons in front of me.
The creative energy that poured out from motherhood, has been allowing me to discover real passion and to live the life I strongly wanted for myself, without being influenced anymore by my old role of child.
I know I have been developing the awareness of what I know now is my real inner nature and I believe this discovery has made me a better, more mature, individual.
Lately, stimulated by some readings, by some topics read in the mom-blogs, and of course, by the day-to-day life experience with my 2 children, I am confronting with some thoughts that, as delivery approaches, are becoming more and more urgent.
Meanwhile, I have completely realized my children aren’t little people anymore, have been developing a clear and defined personality and have been facing daily the outside world’s progressively complex challenges.
And what I happen to notice by their behaviors and reflections, is often characterized by my personal feeling, as a mom, I should have, in some circumstances, definitely done better.
I mean, I am aware I usually did what I really could, also being led by a sincere and vivid enthusiasm. But at the same time, I perfectly know that I often couldn’t help my children the way I could or should have done.
As every mom, I immensely love my children, but I am not exaggerating so much in saying that sometimes, even in perfect good-faith, I happened to be more infatuated by the role of being a mom and by the glory of motherhood, than of being, simply, their mom.
As I have been putting acting as a mom before a sincere and direct observation of my children effective needs the moment required.
I actually don’t know if all of this prevented them from completely experimenting themselves while fronting the little-big challenges life has brought in front of them, until now. But I am certain, instead of putting before my presence’s and my adult reasoning’s filter, I should have been “Helping them to do by their own“, just to mention one of the most famous Maria Montessori’s quotes; letting them walk with their own legs and forcing myself to sustain them only in the moment of their real need.
Moreover, what at that time seemed to be the most loving and closest way of being present as a mom, has been slowly actually undermining their trust in themselves, progressively inoculating the doubt inside of them they couldn’t help themselves, without my direct participation.
I don’t think I can define myself as a selfish mother, but I must admit sometimes I savored the bitter taste of a fascinating feeling of power. Mostly accentuated by the fact I am a mom of 2 boys, so the unopposed queen of the house. Talking nonsense, maybe a girl could have been put this insane imbalance in the right perspective and could hopefully have drop all these unconscious matriarchal illusions down, at the right time.
But now, there’s a bigger danger in front of me, and that is a direct consequence of the mistakes I made with my children in the past.
The mistake of surrendering to the fear of making mistakes again and of giving up to stillness, wallowing in an unproductive feeling of failure.
There’s a another quote, by Edmund Burke that I framed and hanged near our door at home that says “Nobody makes a greater mistake than he who does nothing because he could only do a little“.
I truly believe the worst mistake I can possibly do now is keeping on feeding any kind of expectations towards myself and my children, pretending to change completely from a day to another.
Anyway, I know that before today, even if I felt some increasing inner discomfort, I couldn’t actually be able to acknowledge all the mistakes I have made.
A great opportunity stands in front of me and my family, now.
The new beginning we are approaching, that will come out from the extraordinary circumstances of this new life that soon will join ours, is a chance to grab quickly. A chance of setting up healthier parental approaches and go crucially further in my personal path as mother:
– without interfering with grown-up methods and strategies, lightening up the weight of my bulky ego and of my parental expectations
– looking and listening deeply and teaching less
– giving up on stimulating them with pre-packaged situations and instead, focusing on being completely present when requested by their real needs.
– Silently putting myself out of the scene and letting, finally, my children be the leading roles of their own life.