After a period of consistency and motivation in pursuing personal goals and projects, a period of great discovering and vivid enthusiasm, an unexpected stomach flu (mine and of my entire family!) has obliged me to take a pause from regular living.
And this sort of surprising roller coaster has forced me to see things differently.
Sometimes physical weakness helps people to focus more on the essential of life and I guess it’s what has happened to me this time, too.
I have discovered that is actually difficult for me to get back on track soon until I focused on a next, new, spicy challenge.
And I have realized that it’s so still damned easy for me to live my life without being mindful about my real purposes. Moreover, that it takes still to me a lot of determination and strength to remain following my own path.
I can say that this third pregnancy (I am currently on the 31st week) it has been mostly all about the challenge – and, actually, the real struggle – of establishing a daily routine of things and projects I need to get done : I have written pages and pages of to do lists, vision statements, missions, priorities lists, plans, goals charts and so on, but every time something seems to get in the way.
That’s because life, inevitably, happens – and, hopefully, will happen again!
I am discovering that, every time more, my aim is becoming to overcome the distance between my challenge and no-challenge state of mind.
What I mean is I would like to come more easily in a place of stillness where I could manage a simple and effective behavior of personal good sense where I wouldn’t experiment the stress and the loss of energies due to opposite reactions (action: bad day/reaction: good day and reverse).
And every time more, I really find myself needing more new challenges to confront with.
And needing them so much – even if I think it’s actually a signal of self-love and self-confidence – it is not still a signal of the interior balance I would like to have.
I am now aware that I continuously feed expectations from my actions and behaviors, when maybe it’s just a simple matter of simplifying and just breath and listen to my real inner being.
I am somehow getting stressed by my needs of being productive and goal-oriented all day long, because I am realizing that – even if in this manner I have a clear vision of what I need to do – I am often focused on future events and on results and I am not still enjoying the awareness of present moment.
And I would wish for myself a more peaceful and mindful state of being where needs are no longer needs, wishes are no longer wishes, desires are no longer desires, necessities are no longer necessities, but actions are simply actions, moment by moment, in line with the flown of my consciousness and my real inner self nature.
I really need to be patient and compassionate with myself in learning to be less focused on reaching and on productivity and more on simple, quiet, peaceful awareness and mindfulness in my own self and in the world I live in, as a particular, unique, human being.
I think that it could be named my personal goal for the next year: finding a sort of quiet balance between me and my dares.
In that manner, for instance, I wouldn’t need anymore to work-out daily because I know it is healthy and I feel tons and tons better while and after having done it: I would simply work out, period.
Because when I do it, I simply am in line with my inner nature, with my own particular wisdom.
The same can be applied to writing, motherhood, pregnancy, respectful partnership, eating right, doing chores and household, loyal friendship and social connections in general and so on.
I only hope to be fine with myself in this period and accept it as it is, without feeling guilty and, mostly, doing what I need to do, one step at a time.
Sometimes, it’s more easy to be aware of what it needs to be done than thinking about what it needs to do… and when I do it, time seems to expand!
I wish for me a place where I no longer desire something, but just be.
Where there is no more struggle, motivation, determination, strength and dare to be, but JUST mindful respect of the present moment.